If someone falls and gets a cut, you may get them a band aid .
If someone has a headache, you may get them medicine.
If someone has a sunburn, you may get them aloe vera.
When we see people experiencing some sort of distress, the normal and natural response is to do something to relieve that distress. This works great for physical pain, but removing distress does not work for anxiety.
When you do something to diminish the distress caused by someone’s anxiety, you may end up making anxiety worse. This is enabling behavior and is called accommodation.
The first thing to know about anxiety accommodation is it is very common. One study looked at accommodation of OCD behaviors and found up to 97% of families engaged in accommodation. Accommodating behavior is often associated with positive things, it means you are responsive, involved, and empathetic. It is the trademark of a healthy parent, but when anxiety is involved this natural and healthy response ends up being counterproductive.
Diminishing distress confirms that whatever a person is feeling is so dangerous that they cannot handle it alone. By not accommodating you are confirming their ability to tolerate distress (more on this in a later post).
So why does this matter so much?
Research has looked at the impact of family behaviors on treatment. Accommodation has been found to be the key factor that affects treatment outcome and the reduction of family accommodation significantly improves both the impact of cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. This is promising for family members because it means that you can play a significant role in reducing your loved one’s anxiety-related behavior.
